No Touchy

In Bootcamp, there was this one guy we’ll just call him Private Dick. Dick had a bad habit of going through everyone’s stuff when they weren’t looking. It was mostly innocent a stolen dollar or two here and a thing of deodorant there. No one ever saw him do it, but someone would always find what was missing with his stuff.

I was one of his repeat targets, being that my bed was right next to his. Normally I couldn’t prove that he was stealing my stuff I would just notice it was missing and by the time I started looking he would have put it back. This went on for a little while until the day that I finally caught him. I was heading out for a second to go and use the bathroom. Dick appeared to be asleep, so I had no reason to be worried about him taking my stuff, right? On my way I had the creeping suspicion that something was wrong, I turned around to see Dick acting like he was a damn ninja, quietly slink over to my bunk and start to open my bag. I knew that if I didn’t catch him actually taking something, he would just deny it, so I waited.

Just a few seconds later he produced my wallet from my bag and quickly flipped it open and took out two dollars and went to go back to bed. Little did he know I was already halfway across the room and angry as hell.

“What do you think you’re doing dick?” I said trying to stay quiet. Waking up everyone else would just get them pissed at me. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Even in the dark, I could see all the blood rush from his face. He had finally been caught red-handed and he knew it.

“I was just... Um well, you see” Dick was muttering incoherent nonsense as he struggled to make up a lie that would explain everything he just did. Finally, he settled on just sticking his head down and hand out with my money in it.

“No touchy, Dick if you ever touch my stuff again there will be hell to pay.” I was restraining myself from saying anything more because if I hit him, I would be in trouble too.

We all went to bed. I’m sure I slept better than Dick did know that finally, this whole charade with him was over. For the next two weeks, no one noticed that Dick had been stealing anything and he seemed to very much just keep to himself.

Some friends and I were all that knew about me catching him stealing and got a good laugh at how scared he was when he was caught. One night when we were all supposed to start getting ready to head out Dick seemed to drag behind, no one thought much of it, but something in me knew better. I grabbed my friends and told them to come back with me for one second. Lo and behold Dick was looting someone’s bag, not mine this time, but I suppose he couldn’t stop himself. Something needed to be done. My friends and I walked up behind him and he turned around with a look of horror on his face. I only said one thing

“I said no touchy.”