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Kim Orders Ancillary Training

Kim Orders Ancillary Training

Reports from Pyongyang today indicate that Kim Jung Un, The Great Leader, has ordered extensive changes to the training of North Korea’s military forces. Major General Wang Chung, Commander of Space, Cyberspace, Cyberweek, Air, Land, Sea, Overseas, and Underseas Training Command, confirmed the orders today in a news conference, where three reporters furiously scribbled notes using lead #2 pencils and Big Chief lined notepads.

 

“I am pleased today to announce that The Great Leader, beloved by all, (and I’m not just saying that because I don’t want to die, we all really do love him) has issued glorious plans that will result in the defeat of the running capitalist dogs – namely America.   (Applause Sign Illuminates)

He has decreed that our elite forces will be the best of the best and become undefeatable once everyone has been through the new training program. This training will battle-harden them to endure the most rigorous trials and give them war fighting skills like no other army on the face of the earth today. This regimen focuses on the very skills we need to crush any enemy and pulverize them into dust that will cling to the soles of our boots. (Applause Sign Illuminates)

In his great wisdom he has invented all of the training and because of his great intelligence it requires no expenditure on procurement of equipment. It can be given anywhere and anytime using our specially qualified educational cadre who have spent months becoming certified in delivering these courses of education. Once all of our troops have been trained they will be unstoppable and no world army will be able to stand in our way. (Applause Sign Illuminates) (Applause Sign Illuminates)

North Korea training teams of 'cyber warriors,' say experts | South China  Morning Post

I will now outline a brief list of the courses, which as of now are mandatory and will require annual refreshers:

  1. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Defense Travel System Use
  2. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Government Travel Card Use
  3. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Green Dot
  4. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Bystander Awareness
  5. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Human Trafficking Awareness
  6. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Lautenberg Amendment
  7. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Self Aid and Buddy Care
  8. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Information Assurance
  9. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Infosec Security
  10. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Fire Extingusher Use
  11. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Leadership (Correspondence)
  12. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea CBRNE
  13. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Supervisor Safety
  14. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Corrosion Control
  15. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Explosive Loaded Aircraft
  16. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea No Fear Act
  17. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Risk Management
  18. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Gender Awareness
  19. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea SAPR
  20. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Reading List of the Great Leader
  21. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Books 24/7
  22. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Law of Armed Conflict
  23. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea HIPAA and PII
  24. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Don’t Call it a Chow Hal, it’s a DFAC
  25. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Nobody is a Nonner
  26. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Community College of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea

(Applause Sign Illuminates) (Applause Sign Illuminates)

Yes the training is extensive, and in actuality it totals over 2,000 hours, but we know that because The Great Leader is a genius that it will reap great rewards just like our last five rice harvests have. I mean, how did he get to be The Great Leader if he isn’t smart and proven to know what’s best for us? You know, it’s not like there’s a system in place that protects people of a certain class in society who are idiots and still helps them advance to positions of authority right? Because he went to college and stuff and other people said he was smart and a good leader so that means he must be! So I will do exactly as he says without question, and I order that all of my subordinates do the same.” (Applause Sign Illuminates)

In another possibly related note, at about the same time as this announcement was broadcast, U.S. Intelligence sensors recorded what sounded like a collective sigh of despair emanating from all military installations in North Korea. Analysts are actively trying to determine the reason for the event but remain baffled as of this writing.

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