NAVAL AIR STATION NORTH ISLAND, CA – A large compliment of Marines pretending to be foreign invaders strolled up onto multiple California beaches yesterday morning during a massive simulated pacific invasion conducted by the military. They encountered no resistance and were quickly able to overwhelm the National Guard units who were waiting for announcements of the invasion. Reviewing the after action report to determine how the most powerful military in the world failed to stop a simple sea invasion lead to an embarrassing realization:
The Coast Guard wasn’t there.
The planners of the invasion had forgotten to invite the Coast Guard into the large scale exercise which simulated a hostile country’s sneak attack invasion of the United States pacific coastline with land and sea support.
The plan was to originally have the Navy fight a simulated battle before having the invaders storm multiple objectives on the California coastline with a daring amphibious landing. The Army and the Air Force units stationed nearby, who were waiting for reports from the Coast Guard that the Marines had landed, could not man their defenses until properly notified to simulate a more realistic sneak attack.
Except the Coast Guard, who was supposed to have notified and attempt to halt the sea invasion, wasn’t even invited to the exercise in the first place.
“It was really awkward,” admitted Vice Admiral Paul West, USN. “We felt like the parents in Home Alone when we finally realized what was happening.”
Vice Adm. West showed us the unclassified version of the battle’s overview before explaining the stages. “They were supposed to be patrolling across the coastline to halt the Marines' advances. However, since they weren’t there, the Marines were able to quickly overwhelm three out of four of their objective landing zones without any resistance.”
One landing zone was not successfully taken as the Marines had landed off course. The Marine Corps later admitted that the officer in charge of that specific task force had previously trained alongside the Navy personnel who drifted into Iranian waters in January before being captured. They have begun to review their training to determine how deeply that incident has corrupted their navigational and offensive capabilities.
“’Rah,” confirmed Colonel Jack Enoff (USMC) at the press conference.
No disciplinary actions have been taken against any officer for failing to notify the Coast Guard of the joint exercise.
“It could have happened to anyone,” said Paul Greer, DoD spokesperson. “We even forget to put the Coast Guard’s name in legislative bills regarding the military!”
“But it's OK, [The Coast Guard is] usually understanding when this happens,” he finishes.
Mr. Greer remarks about the recent legislative disaster where Congress forgot to include the Coast Guard in the latest BAH cutbacks. The Coast Guard made an announcement regarding the oversight in an attempt to downplay the seriousness of the situation.
“This incident will be our burden to carry alone,” the Coast Guard spokesperson said. “It is with a heavy heart that we tell Congress please, don’t amend the law. We will take this one for the team.” The Coast Guardsmen in the audience were later seen wiping away their tears with the BAH money they had just saved.
A local camera crew was able to capture the heart-warming moment on film.
The DoD later affirmed that it will reschedule another simulated pacific invasion in the future and that they will include the Coast Guard this time. No date or other information has been posted.
The Coast Guard was unavailable for comment due to not being invited to the press release.
“I really don’t understand how this could happen,” complained Sgt. Pat Kim, California National Guard. “One moment we were posing for Tinder selfies in our full battle-rattle and the next we were overwhelmed with a bunch of screaming jarheads.”
“I mean, it’s not like [the Coast Guard] is your kid that you promised your ex-wife you’d pick up from school after a massive simulat—ah, shit.”
Sgt. Kim was seen leaving the interview without further comment.
On the positive side of the exercise, Vice Adm. West announced that the Navy had done a successful job defeating the simulated combatants. He also remarked that if the Marines hadn’t sneakily tried to land on the coast, the exercise would have been a resounding success.
“As long as our enemies promise to fight openly and fairly in conventional warfare, we have no doubt about our fighting capabilities,” he reassured. “This is why all branches of the U.S. military constantly train for conventional combat.”
“After all," he highlighted, "when was the last time any major country fought in an unconventional war?”